Gonzopolitan’s Fear & Loathing in the Boudoir

Dear Hunter Girley Brown, Why does my fiance’s voice sound reasonable even when he’s saying stupid shit? Signed, Male-Pattern BS

Dear Male-Pattern BS,

I was shacked up pretty tight with Gail Farrell and Dick Dale [← Play me!] outside Amarillo testing Clinique moisturizers on armadillos in the vicinity, shooting the empty bottles and waiting to see if there were any noticeable decreases in fine lines and wrinkles, refreshing myself periodically with a scant paper-bagful of Super-Hold AquaNet. A couple hours, maybe three weeks later the results were in and yeah those poor bastards were slow-roasted. A reminder to all not to baste your test-lizards in emollient-rich beauty products outside during the hotter months.

Dear Hunter Girley Brown,

My boyfriend’s mad because even though I bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan, I’m not helping him remember he’s a man. Any tips for Valentine’s Day?

Signed, Ready to Date Bacon

Dear Ready to Date Bacon,

So yeah. It was the mid-80s and I was shacked up pretty tight somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert with Peter DeLuise and Charlie Sheen when the drugs began to take hold. Pete was pretty good about reminding Charlie that he was a man, which was good because between the shimmer lip-glosses I was testing for Gonzo and the heavy psychedelics we were doing, I could barely feel my lips.

That trip was when I realized men are like peacocks. They’re not great in groups and they shouldn’t be alone. Either way, they start screaming and bashing their heads into walls.

Every peacock flock has a screamer that runs into walls. My flock’s got one. Always has. It’s named Charlie. All the screaming head-bashers get named Charlie.

A man who can’t remember he’s a man unless you’re reminding him, leaving him little Post-it notes like, YOU’RE A MAN and DEFINITELY A MAN and whatnot, can probably benefit from some super-charged role-playing. He could play a man and you could play that unattainable love-object: his dad.

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Gonzopolitan’s Fear & Loathing in the Boudoir

Low-Residency Relationship Expert Hunter Girley Brown Answers Your Questions About Fear and Loathing in the Boudoir: BS in the Key of Masculine Reasonableness

Dear Hunter Girley Brown, Why does my fiance’s voice sound reasonable even when he’s saying stupid shit? Signed, Male-Pattern BS

Dear Male-Pattern BS,

Gonzopolitan’s Fear and Loathing in the Boudoir: Valentine’s Day

Dear Hunter Girley Brown,

My boyfriend’s mad because even though I bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan, I’m not helping him remember he’s a man. Any tips for Valentine’s Day?

Signed, Ready to Date Bacon

Dear Ready to Date Bacon,

That trip was when I realized men are like peacocks. They’re not great in groups and they shouldn’t be alone. Either way, they start screaming and bashing their heads into walls.

Every peacock flock has a screamer that runs into walls. My flock’s got one. Always has. It’s named Charlie. All the screaming head-bashers get named Charlie.

A man who can’t remember he’s a man unless you’re reminding him, leaving him little Post-it notes like, YOU’RE A MAN and DEFINITELY A MAN and whatnot, can probably benefit from some super-charged role-playing. He could play a man and you could play that unattainable love-object: his dad.

Dear Hunter Girley Brown, Why does my fiance’s voice sound reasonable even when he’s saying stupid shit? Signed, Male-Pattern BS

Dear Male-Pattern BS,

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Dear Hunter Girley Brown,

My boyfriend’s mad because even though I bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan, I’m not helping him remember he’s a man. Any tips for Valentine’s Day?

Signed, Ready to Date Bacon

Dear Ready to Date Bacon,

That trip was when I realized men are like peacocks. They’re not great in groups and they shouldn’t be alone. Either way, they start screaming and bashing their heads into walls.

Every peacock flock has a screamer that runs into walls. My flock’s got one. Always has. It’s named Charlie. All the screaming head-bashers get named Charlie.

A man who can’t remember he’s a man unless you’re reminding him, leaving him little Post-it notes like, YOU’RE A MAN and DEFINITELY A MAN and whatnot, can probably benefit from some super-charged role-playing. He could play a man and you could play that unattainable love-object: his dad.

Share this:

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