deathstyles of the rich & abled, end-of-life merch
AS SEEN ON NOT DEAD YET! [Editor’s Note: The article below does cut off abruptly. While it’s true that we couldn’t afford the editing to help it continue, this in no way implies that the cut-off was anything but the article’s choice to avoid the indignity of ending “like that.”]
Image Description: An excerpt from one of Cost Illustrated’s articles: “Easy Weeknight Euthanasia Policy With Pomegranate and Baked Meats.” This is a satirical article about how ableist public policy and the Sarco work together. It spoofs the real magazine’s test-kitchen narrative style and format.
Art: An artfully simple page of text that’s free of advertising and photography. The title of the article is quite large with a smaller summary beneath it. There are unobtrusive horizontal lines at the top of the page, above and below the author’s name, and at the bottom above the page number. The main text is in a two-column format that represents a single page of a multipage article.
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Easy Weeknight Euthanasia Policy With Pomegranate and Baked Meats
Costs Illustrated teams up with the America’s Test Policy lab to show how American euthanasia policy that starts with a tangy Aussie death culture and tools like the Sarco Death Pod are all you need for easy, elegant, and classy institution-quality deaths you can afford to put on a weekly rotation.
BY RALPH NADIR
With stresses from the pandemic, rising healthcare costs, algorithms that decide if you’re worthy of healthcare resources, and an aging population, nothing’s been hotter than working with death cultures or that new death-style must-have, the Sarco Death Pod. If you’re like many people, your first reaction to hearing about the Sarco is that it cannot possibly be real. But it is. The Sarco is like a Build-a-Bear workshop where you’re 3-D printing a death chamber for someone you can’t bear. As the ultimate status symbol of the rich and abled, the Sarco brings class, elegance, and sophistication to the more down-market dying experience of those you’ve given an adequately convincing appearance of loving. And the Sarco’s beautiful built-in coffin design means that it can do double-duty as server-ware for euthanasia public policy.
But there can be a steep learning curve to achieving an uninvestigated death that stays unrisen even as income drops, caregiver burnout grows, and she just doesn’t get why you need your inheritance now.
Bill or ballot measure? Paddle or fist? Ice water or time in the freezer? Or both? There’s a lot to know.
If every unintended survival leaves you a little more flummoxed then the last, you may decide that this is a job best left to the professionals. But that would be a shame because death cultures have never been more available, and end-ware like the Sarco makes the job easier, faster, and more seemingly inevitable and compassionate.
We decided to find out the best tips and tools for a busy weeknight when you just want to get dinner on the table and hasten a death that says, “Nothing to see here.” We rigorously tested every variation to get the best death, using a whole lot of mostly older female staff from minority communities who were about to be laid off because print journalism is dying without any help from anyone. The result is an institution-quality death you’ll want to put on a weekly rotation.
Ableist Policy is the Best Policy
What you may not know is that even a hobbyist should start with the tool professionals swear by: a set of ableist public policies. (see “How a Death-Wish Becomes a Law”) Ableist public policy is a great stabilizer for almost any death culture, especially the Australian ones that are as norm warping as they are sour. Keep the ableism sharp – like the American kind now being produced – and it will create a much more forgiving policy environment for mistakes with your deaths.
If you’re a physician, the benefits of ableist policy are even clearer. If you can say, “But I was acting in good faith!” you’re covered. Even if your euthanasia learning curve intersects with the downward spiral of a patient you misdiagnosed and whose depression history you oopsed.
Properly written, legislative policy establishes a feedback loop of fear and rationalization that makes the hastening of a death a breeze. It can’t be wrong because it’s legal and it’s legal because it isn’t wrong. When you’ve got this tautology down, you’re set up for success in growing your death culture (see “Australian Death Cultures: Tangy, Cheap, Utilitarian) and learning how to say goodbye with your new little friend, the Sarco.
The Sarco: It Comes From a Land Down Six Feet Under
If you don’t have a ready supply of vulnerable test subjects who are unaware of their rights, don’t worry. Crips will be dying to save you money if you present the Sarco as the creation of one of the two extremely masculineAustralian men at work on saving crips, in a manly and rational way, from themselves. Plus, crips are available year round, they’re low-cost, and the pandemic has only increased the diversity and longevity of many previously difficult to source varieties too delicate for
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