Today’s Featured Post: The What If Men Were Described in Interviews Like Women Are? Edition:
NotPeople Magazine’s Cluelessest Man Alive Interview! Harper’s Rick MacArthur Gets Notpersonal With Janky Wheelchair About John Hockenberry, Disability, and #MeToo
RICK MACARTHUR: Well, before we go there, I’d like to inform your readers, excuse me I’m not thinking about my readers, that you’re a wheelchair, which is something you really ought to. Hock’s a paraplegic, so that does inform the piece immensely. Yeah, but seriously, what is up with you being that thing? What happened to you? Were you bitten by a radioactive polio bug or something?
JANKY WHEELCHAIR: I’m a celebrity wheelchair journalist. You’ve probably seen me in He Won’t Get Far On Foot and other things. I’ve cradled the asses of some of our finest non-disabled actors.
Who Is This So-Called “Ingrid Tischer“?
Ingrid Tischer was born on Blasphemy Day in a pirate’s dinghy off the coast of Sardonica during the Regency period and is now an aspiring recluse whose joie de crip and bon mots enchant the tens of people who read her work.
Ingrid Tischer also claims to be a woman who has a form of muscular dystrophy (MD), a congenital, degenerative neuromuscular disease that caused the late Jerry Lewis to tell 5 year-olds they could die at any moment.
But if you think it’s tragic to be a child with a disability, try being a woman over 50 with a disability that only children are supposed to have.
Ingrid Tischer’s plight has been exacerbated by survival, leading to a poorly understood aspect of muscular dystrophy: Adult-Onset Maturity (AOM).
AOM is marked by behaviors that are considered high risk for parental pulling-away-fromness. Ingrid Tischer’s particularly virulent strain forces her to live with a “spouse,” a “salary,” and has brought her to the brink of “creative work.”
It’s been suggested that Ingrid Tischer’s AOM was caused by legal protections that required public schools to educate students with disabilities, established the right to assisted-living in the community rather than institutionalization, and stocked the bottomless chum-bucket of litigation that is the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA).
But as we’ve seen with the theory that Jenny McCarthy causes autism, correlation is not cause.
Besides disability, what does this Ingrid Tischer have going for her?
Ingrid Tischer is so much more than a person who’s not dead yet. She has exquisite taste in cross-disability civil rights policy, literature, and fatty cuts of meat. If it’s writing about yourself in the third person, Mexican cheeses, and unsolicited public commentary you’re looking for, just try to do better than Ingrid Tischer.
John Stossell, Anderson Cooper popping out of a giant block of government cheese and accusing her of disability fraud drive-by litigation. Or give her an afternoon off from the Acme Fundraising Factory where she attaches messages like, “Affordability is an access issue,” to campaigns as they come off the line.
How can I avoid Ingrid Tischer right now?
Avoid Berkeley, a city of grainy black and white footage shot in the 60s that airs periodically on public television during pledge week. Yes, Berkeley. The place some consider the “ground zero” of the
independent interdependent living movement, that explosion in the early 70s that split public streets into car lanes, bike lanes, Rascal lanes, wheelchair lanes, service animal lanes, and disabled service animal wheelchair lanes. A place that pioneered curb cuts to facilitate fleeing from crazed hippies out-of-touch environmentalists intent on outlawing your plastic shopping bags bendy straws.
Although Ingrid Tischer is occasionally visible to the naked eye, you can’t see her because Ingrid Tischer is a dream we share. You’ll see Ingrid Tischer when “bone broth” is no longer a thing. When “eating healthy,” is no longer acceptable usage. When Ingrid Tischer hears as much bioethical concern about disabled people’s need for assisted living as she does about their “need” for assisted suicide.
IngridTischer® is a Class-I napazene known for it’s ability to bind with caffeine. IngridTischer® may cause wall-staring, cat envy, and thuggish metabolism. Do not take IngridTischer® if you have been exposed to genre fiction or are between jobs.
If you insist on knowing more about Ingrid Tischer, read this.