Today’s Featured Post, Stardate.Naptime Edition:
NotPeople Magazine Presents: Star Trek: The Next Intervention
“Captain’s Log: Stardate 20150808.naptime. The Enterprise is en route after refueling at Carnitas in the Al-Pastor system, but before reaching the Reflux Cluster, we’ve picked up a warning call from the Federation ship Ventilator. The decoded message tells us that a pro-assisted suicide ship, The Good Death, is in the vicinity. We’ve sent them the standard response, U-1st, but The Good Death remains as quiet as a tomb. Then it suddenly appeared on the Bridge’s screen…”
Who Is This So-Called “Ingrid Tischer”?
Ingrid Tischer was born in a pirate’s dinghy off the coast of Sardonica during the Regency period and is now an aspiring recluse whose bon mots enchant the tens of people who read her work. She also claims to be a woman who has a form of muscular dystrophy (MD), a congenital, degenerative neuromuscular disease that caused the late Jerry Lewis to tell 5 year-olds they could die at any moment.
But if you think it’s tragic to be a child with a disability, try being a woman over 50 with a disability that only children are supposed to have.
Ingrid Tischer’s plight has been exacerbated by survival, leading to a poorly understood aspect of muscular dystrophy: Adult-Onset Maturity (AOM). AOM syndrome is marked by behaviors that are considered high risk for parental pulling-away-fromness. Ingrid Tischer’s particularly virulent strain forces her to live with a “husband,” a “salary,” and has brought her to the brink of “creative work.”
It’s been suggested that Ingrid Tischer’s AOM was caused by legal protections that required public schools to educate students with disabilities, established the right to assisted-living in the community rather than institutionalization, and stocked the bottomless chum-bucket of litigation that is the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA).
But as we’ve seen with the theory that Jenny McCarthy causes autism, correlation is not cause. Just because Ingrid Tischer had those legal protections is no reason to believe her contribution to society represents anything other than a new, terrifying mutation of a tragic defect.
What else besides disability does this Ingrid Tischer have going for her?
Ingrid Tischer is so much more than a person who’s not dead yet. She has exquisite taste in cross-disability civil rights policy, literature, and fatty cuts of meat. If it’s writing about yourself in the third person, Mexican cheeses, and unsolicited public commentary you’re looking for, just try to do better than Ingrid Tischer.
John Stossell, popping out of a giant block of government cheese and accusing her of disability fraud.
Where is Ingrid Tischer right now?
Ingrid Tischer lives in Berkeley, a city of grainy black and white footage shot in the 60s that airs periodically on public television during pledge week. Yes, Berkeley. The place some consider the “ground zero” of the independent living movement, that explosion in the early 70s that split public streets into car lanes, bike lanes, Rascal lanes, wheelchair lanes, service animal lanes, and disabled service animal wheelchair lanes. A place that pioneered curb cuts to facilitate fleeing from crazed hippies intent on outlawing your plastic shopping bags.
Although Ingrid Tischer is occasionally visible to the naked eye, you can’t see her because Ingrid Tischer is a dream we share. You’ll see Ingrid Tischer when “bone broth” is no longer a thing. When “eating healthy,” is no longer acceptable usage. When Ingrid Tischer gets as much bioethical concern about assisted living for people with disabilities as she does about assisted suicide.
IngridTischer® is a Class-I napazene known for it’s ability to bind with caffeine. IngridTischer® may cause wall-staring, cat envy, and thuggish metabolism. Do not take IngridTischer® if you have been exposed to genre fiction or are between jobs.
If you insist on knowing more about Ingrid Tischer, read this.